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I am writing to you for advice. I am always trying to please my family. I moved away from kids because they didn't want to move out. We even started on 3rd generation. As a single mom I was getting very tired looking after 5 kids (4 of them in their 20's). I may add I moved to a different city as to not be so readily available or be accessible as easy. I now find myself feeling guilty that I don't see them often and cannot be there when I should be. I might add I recently was diagnosed with a major illness, this playing a huge affect on my health. How do I play out these guilty feelings?
I can imagine you were getting very tired! Because your kids are now adults, the way you get rid of the guilty feelings is through self talk. Do not allow yourself to feel guilty about this. Keep telling yourself they are grown adults and will be OK, and even if an emergency arises, they will be able to figure it out like we all did when we grew up. They are adults, nothing has really changed except you now have your own place, which you deserve. Your love for them is still the same. Keep loving them and if they mention any issues reassure them that you are not far and always just a phone call away and keep encouraging them that you have full confidence in them to live their own lives and make good decisions. If you are a spiritual person, surround them in white light in your mind and remember they have their own guardian angel and ancestral guide. It all feels strange because it is a big change, and you have an empty nest, but it will slowly start to feel normal. You haven’t done anything wrong and have nothing to feel guilty about, now that your health isn’t as well as it was it is time for the tables to turn and for them to start thinking about you, and what they can do to make your life easier and more enjoyable. If they have any hard feelings that can’t be discussed calmly then I would suggest going to a family counsellor rather than try to work it out yourself while you are not feeling your best.
I'm so embarrassed by him. When we first started dating, he told me he wants me to be a stay at home mom. I agreed to do just that. But a month after our wedding, he lost his job. I was the only one working. All he does is laze around and depend on everyone to get things done for him. He won't do anything unless you grab his hand and guide him to where he needs to be. This is a grown 30 year old man by the way. All he does is play victim. He always says how he had it hard in life and no one ever gives him an opportunity. But he literally does nothing with his time. He doesn't even try for himself. He keeps depending on his dad to send him money, so even his dad is sick of him. My husband is a very nice man and I never had someone love me the way he does. But I'm completely tired of him being so useless most of the time. It's been 2 years of patience and dedication and I see nothing happening. He plays victim and blames everyone except getting out there and trying for himself. I talk to him all the time but its always the same thing, victim blaming. When I tell him I will leave him, he tells me to go right ahead if I don't love him anymore. The problem is, I do love him, but he never wants to make things work. No amount of talking ever does anything and it's literally been 2 years and 6 months of trying. On top of all this mess, he's wanting a child and tells me that we should have one and he will find a job as soon as I'm pregnant. It's exhausting dealing with my husband, and I don't know what to do. I never imagined I would have such a lazy man as a husband. I'm completely drained and I'm trying so hard to not think of divorce, but its always at the back of my mind. We aren't even financially stable; we suffer a lot financially and I think I would be better off alone than stay like this. What do you think I should do?
Dear Dianna says...
I think you should be very careful not to get pregnant and get a divorce. Adults don’t change, and he doesn’t have any motivation to work. He charmed you into believing his lies, don’t listen to him anymore, and make plans to move, get him off the lease or whatever you decide to do. I am sure he is a good person in many ways and that there are things you love about him, but if he is not motivated, he will never support a wife and children. He is choosing to be a victim and sounds immature. Sorry to be harsh but I can’t stand freeloaders.
My abusive ex is now engaged, and we broke up a year ago. Why is he still stalking my social media? ?
I have blocked countless accounts and he continues to stalk me. The messages have stopped, but he continues viewing my “story”. He threatened to kill men that he noticed I was involved with after we broke up. I stayed very discreet since then. Should I still worry for the day that he sees me with someone else, even though he is now engaged? Is it flattering or threatening if my ex-boyfriend’s current gf has copied me often and stalked me in a nonviolent way?
I dated my ex for 4 years. I broke up with him. The breakup was easy for both of us, and we just stopped talking afterward and moved on, no issues.
A couple of years later he got a new girlfriend. He and I are both 35 and his new girlfriend was 21 when het met her.
She initially came into the boutique where I work several times talking loudly on her phone to my ex on speaker, so I'd hear and realize she was his girlfriend. She even went out of her way to tell another customer, "I'm shopping for a new outfit to have a date night with my boyfriend, his last girlfriend was frumpy, and he likes nice clothes”, So she intentionally tried to bait me for an argument. She even had the balls to sign up to be a part of our rewards system and used her name and my ex's name as a joint reward account.
I ignored her and told my co-workers that if she came in again, I'd prefer not to assist her, and they volunteered to help her instead.
A year goes by no issues and suddenly I notice she liked one of my Instagram photos from 8 years ago then unliked it. I then knew her social media username and noticed she copied a lot of things I do. She got the same exact dog as me, same breed, same color (rare breed) and named it a similar name. I'd post a photo of myself wearing a blue shirt with loose wavy hair and a specific makeup look, she copied my look, the shirt, makeup and hair almost a perfect match and posted a selfie. She also copies photography locations I go to and posts photos of the same location days after me. What would you do?
Dear Stalking victim,
This sounds very dangerous to me; she sounds just as unbalanced as him if not more so! I think you must take drastic action to protect yourself. First, create all new social media accounts under another name, perhaps your middle name or a name he won’t think of. His girlfriend is not flattering, she is threatening. And yes, you should worry about the day he sees you with someone else. I would go to the police station and tell an officer there everything, especially about the death threats. I would ask if I could get a restraining order on both of them, which would also include your place of work. Then if you get one and see them near your home or work, call the police immediately. Keep your phone with you at all times. Bullies go away if they are bullied, and by you being brave and standing up to this, they will look for an easier target. Also, the police should have a record of what has happened in case it escalates. They may talk to them or even charge them, because what they are doing is stalking, violent or not.
So look here's my situation. I need clothes regardless because most of mine are old or grungy but also trying to find something to suit my style. And though I find it a bit aggravating, some of female friends think I need to dress better if I'm to catch a girls eye. More color for one, unique style etc. But im a simple man. I buy clothes that are cheap and comfortable. That being said almost my entire wardrobe consists of black, grey, or dark blue.
For reference, I guess you could say my style is sort of punkish? Like maybe what metalheads wear or even what nerdy guys wear.
Do you have a friend that is well dressed and whose style you like? If so, you could ask them where they shop, or if they would go with you. I think you should only buy clothes you love, or else you won’t wear them. If you like simple, solid colours that’s OK, start with that and eventually add some different colour shirts (even solid grey or light blue or white would be a good addition to have) Go through your closet and drawers and put everything that you have not worn in a year in a bag for charity. Also put in everything that is worn out, stained or torn. Be ruthless. You may find things you forgot you had and that are still wearable. Freshen up any sweaters you have by washing them inside out and pulling off any pills (the little round things) Have a good look at your winter coat and boots to see if you still like them and that they are in good shape. Clean them up if needed. Then start shopping with the basics, since you need new clothes anyway. Start from the inside out. The first time you shop (online is fine if you know your size) get new underwear and socks. Then I would suggest new pants and shoes, and then two new shirts, one white and one black. It is better to purchase good quality clothing because it looks better and will last a lot longer, so spend as much as you can afford on each item. If you are on a budget, make sure to budget in one new item each paycheque or every other paycheque for an expensive item (like a coat or boots) Since you asked, I have found good quality items at H & M, Marks Work Warehouse and The Bay, always watch for sales of course. Value Village, the Salvation Army stores, and consignment stores have some excellent quality clothing for very affordable prices, but you have to take the time to go through what they have to find it. Check tags, anything that is mostly polyester won’t be as comfortable or last as long. Everyone should have one good formal outfit for special occasions, and a pair of dress shoes. You don’t have to change your style completely, make sure everything fits properly, this makes a big difference in how comfortable you will be and you will look better than in oversized clothes. Since you are used to grunge and punk some of these suggestions may seem foreign to you, but your style will naturally change as you get older and it’s important to feel good about what you are wearing. You can also mix some of your grunge and punk pieces with newer pieces. Once you do this, you will feel better knowing you are looking your very best, and that will make you feel more confident which will make you more attractive to others.
I am thinking of getting a husky puppy, but I keep reading online that stairs are bad for it. I suppose I could train it to poo on one of those floors pamper things or carry it up and down the stairs for as long as I can but as he or she gets bigger I might want to just start taking him outside without carrying it as I might fall doing so. I live on a second floor, so the steps are just down and up. Do you think this would be unhealthy for it? It takes like 14-15 steps on the stairs to get up to my apartment. I attached a picture that shows a staircase about the same size as the one the dog would have to climb to get to my apartment when he or she is too big. Do you think it would be doable?
Dear Dianna says...
Stairs may be hard on a husky puppies’ hips when they are little puppies, but I have seen them use stairs and have never heard they can’t do it. I do not recommend training the dog to go to the bathroom on the floor unless there is no other option. Carry the puppy up and down until she is big enough to do the stairs easily on her own, ask your vet about it to get a professional opinion, and enjoy your puppy!
During the day things seem okay.. but as night approaches (when everyone's asleep), I get reminded of the day's incidents when I ignored what my husband said in the evening, or when I was being inconsiderate or rude during the day.. I get reminded of all this late at night and feel terribly guilty for being so absent-minded throughout the day.. In the daytime I tend to unintentionally overlook and ignore so many things, and then feel guilty late at night. So guilty I feel like crying. Why does this happen?
Dear Dianna says...
I think this happens to all of us at one point or another in our lives. You sound like a caring, conscientious person so it might bother you more than a less sensitive person. I believe that this is a good thing you are going through, because in order to improve ourselves we must figure out what we are doing wrong. That is half the battle. Now that you are aware of this, you can take steps to address it. First of all, please stop being so hard on yourself. I heard a Dr. on the radio say that the chronic stress caused by the pandemic is making us more forgetful and absent minded. When things get back to normal, your stress will ease up. Until then, take steps to be mindful and stop and listen and respond when someone talks to you before moving on to the next task. Do each task properly and completely before moving on, and stop ignoring things, they won’t go away, and you will have to eventually deal with them. The trick is to do it in manageable bits, one day at a time, until it is all done. Slow down and stop and smell the roses, above all else be kind to yourself and others. Now that you have recognized the problem, the next time it happens you will stop yourself three quarters of the way through. Then the next time you will stop yourself half of the way through, and finally it just won’t happen at all. In this way, if you feel like crying about it late at night, you can tell yourself you are doing your best, you are only human, and tomorrow is another chance to do better.
Is it too late for me? I am a senior citizen and I have never found someone to love. I know a lot of people recommend on line dating, but I am terrified to try that! I am healthy, independent and self sufficient and enjoy my life. But I just can't help but feel I'm missing out on something important. What should I do?
Dear Dianna says...
It is never too late to find love. I met a lady once who was 95 and getting married to a 100-year-old man and they were leaving to take a sailing trip around the world! Now that you have opened your heart and decided you would like to find someone to love, I think love will find you. There are a lot of people in the world who would like to meet someone like you. It sounds like you have a lot of friends and are enjoying your life, now get your courage up and take the next step with someone who you like, by asking them out, bringing some flowers, or going for a walk. If you can’t think of anyone in your current circle that you like more than a friend, let your friends and family know that you are looking for a date and ask them to introduce you to any single people they know that might be a good match. Until then, join any new groups or classes that interest you and see who you meet there, and don’t be too shy to get to know people. Don’t turn down any invitations you get to family or other events, keep yourself out there and your heart open, and in no time, you will find someone to love and to love you back, probably where you least expect it.
So Ontario, Canada has instituted a vaccine passport which will take effect at the end of September.
It will require proof of inoculation for the use of certain businesses where wearing a mask and distancing is not possible or practical.
How do you feel about this either as an Ontarian or hypothetically if it occurs in your province?
Dear Dianna says...
As an Ontarian, I am very relieved that we will have a vaccine passport. I feel so bad for the nurses and Dr.s and everyone who is exhausted from working in health care now having to take care of unvaccinated people. I have always had a vaccine passport, it’s a little yellow booklet here. We need at least 85% of people to be vaccinated before we have a chance to get rid of this with herd immunity. Because of a few selfish healthy adults choosing not to listen to the medical experts, we now have to use vaccine passports to protect children and vulnerable people. Vaccinated people have less chance of spreading these horrible variants and dying. So yes, bring on the passports, and anything that will protect the vulnerable and the children from suffocating to death.
I have a horse which I keep at a boarding stable. I have a group of friends there and I really enjoy seeing them each week. We have an online chat group too and have stayed in touch during the pandemic. Last week, on of the ladies posted a message that she was moving her horse to another barn and that she would miss everyone.
She did not give any explanation for why she was leaving. I'm sad that she won't be around anymore, and I can't figure out why she would go so suddenly. The stable owner removed her from our chat group. I suspect that they may have had an argument.
I'm dying to know what happened, but I feel like I would be gossiping to ask the other ladies and I don't want to cause trouble, pick sides or get involved in any way. What would you do?
PS I sent my friend a private message to with her well at her new barn.
If your friend responds to your private message, then respond saying you will miss her, and you are wondering if she moved because her new barn is a better price or closer to her home. This will give her the chance to respond with the reason why she left, if she wants to discuss it. I agree, it would be gossiping to ask the other ladies, but keep your ears open around them and someone might eventually talk about it. If only the people at your stable are on the chat group, it’s not surprising that the owner removed her, it doesn’t necessarily mean there was an argument. Other than that, I think you will have to mind your own business and accept the fact that it might be something you will never know.
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