My daughter is 26 years old and lives with my wife and I and our home. She is a social worker so doesn't make a large income and the average apartment here on Long Island for a one bedroom is $1800 a month. Three days ago, my wife and daughter had an argument and they aren't talking. Now my daughter wants to move out which is a good idea but in the meantime both of them are very upset. Should I speak with my daughter and tell her to get back with her mom and make up. By the way my wife has done everything for this child including her laundry cooking meals and cleaning. For these reasons maybe it's a good idea for her to move even if it's economically unfeasible. Should I stay out of this whole situation.
I would not stop your daughter from moving out, and even helping her move out if she needs anything. Could she start in a bachelor or shared apartment to lower the costs a little bit? This is yours and your wife's home and she is an adult. Your wife doesn't need the stress of arguing with an adult child after all she has done, it’s time for your daughter to stand on her own two feet and leave the nest. It wouldn’t hurt to talk to your daughter because moving takes time and she needs to respect her mother during this time with at least common courtesy. It would also help to talk to your wife and let her know you think it’s time to cut the apron strings, but you will always help where you can.
I’ve been in a dead marriage for 14 years (got married at 18), the reason I’ve stuck with this marriage is because it was an arranged marriage and I was married into a family my parents had strong ties with. I’ve tried my best to make things work even if it has led me to be at lowest I have ever been. My husband has cheated on me several times and there is no love within the marriage to be quite honest there never really has been. We sleep in separate rooms with no sex in the marriage (my sex drive is really high) and live together in order to keep our families happy.
I’ve known he’s a cheat for 10+ years but i stayed faithful through all of it. Its been about a year and I’ve been getting closer to a younger man (25 M) who’s close to my husband. He understands how I feel, and I genuinely can open up and talk to him about anything. Its been 6 months we’ve been having an affair and i have no regrets. Recently my husband has had a feeling I’m having an affair because I dress well and wear make up more often when I go out, he doesn’t know its with someone in his circle.
I really want children and my husband isn’t able to give me children, but this man has said he will gladly give me children and cut ties with my husband. I don’t want to upset my family by running away with my love. It seems either way I will lose. How should I approach this situation? What should I do?
With or without the new man I think you should leave the marriage if you are feeling so low and you know your husband has cheated on you and can’t have children. Because you have two families involved and they will be upset I hope you can go to a licensed counsellor to have someone unbiased to talk to for support while you end the marriage. Talk to your family Dr. too so they can support you and be honest about how bad you are feeling. You need to set up a support system besides the other man.
Yes, both families will be shocked and upset, I wouldn’t tell them anything until you have broken up and then you don’t have to tell anyone anything except that it didn’t work out. Hopefully your own family will come around and support you eventually. Before telling your husband it is over plan where you will live, see a lawyer and get a separation agreement drawn up, and do not hesitate to call the police if your husband loses his temper and scares you. If this happens get a restraining order put on him so that he can’t come near you. It will take a lot of courage and you may temporarily lose some family members, but I think it will be worth it in the long run, staying isn’t a healthy option. You have my sympathy.
Every time we video chat he asks me questions about my face or skin. I have bad under eye circles naturally. So he was like “have you always had your under eye circles like that” I said yeah sometimes they show more than other days. And then he asked about a pimple I had on my cheek. He asked what it was. So, I said it’s a pimple. The other day he commented about my eyebrows. I don’t have much eyebrow hair because I was born like that, so I fill them in a bit. But the times we video called I was not wearing makeup. Idk I felt a bit insecure. And I told him, but he said that he didn’t ask to make me feel bad. Do your boyfriends comment about your skin or imperfections?
It sounds like your boyfriend doesn’t have very good social skills, doesn’t know very much about women or maybe both! I think that would make anyone feel insecure, and I also think it’s rude. He might be an observant person just trying to think of something to say, medical people often notice physical things and ask about them with good intentions. One of the problems with video chat is that it’s not at all the same as meeting with someone in person, they are looking right at your face the whole time, and if the lighting isn’t good you may not look your best. You say you told him that you don’t like it when he points out dark eye circles or pimples, that you are aware of them and it hurts your feelings when he says that. If he continues pointing things out after that then I would consider it mean and you should really think about if you want to see him anymore, he won’t change, and this might be his best behaviour. There are plenty of kinder people out there.
My friend got married recently and for some reason I just can't stop thinking about it. I'm 15, she just turned 19. She's trying to be an influencer and constantly posts her stuff online and asks for things a lot because of what she's trying to be. No offense to her, but her content isn't even that good. The man she married is in his mid-20's, which is quite an age difference. Her family is the type to just give her stuff. They gave her 2 fully furnished houses and 1-4 cars, they're paying for everything. She never even paid for her wedding. I'm worried that she's not gonna be able to support herself, as her husband does influencer work with him. She's never been to public school or even college. There's nothing wrong with being homeschooled, but she has no backup plan if she ever has to pay for anything. I'm trying to be happy for her, but I can't stop worrying and questioning if I'm right in my judgement or need to stop worrying. I'm glad she's living her life her way and they seem very happy, but I'm still concerned and know that I would never do the same thing she did.
You are very wrong to judge your friend. That isn’t being a good friend. You don’t have the right to judge anyone, it is arrogant to think that you know what is best for a married couple. It’s fine to think that you would not live your life the same way, but it looks like she is set financially if her parents gave her two houses and cars. If things don’t work out, she will learn her own life lessons. Be kind and stop worrying, and do not gossip about her behind her back. This is none of your business.
I feel like I am anxious all the time due to Covid-19. I am dreading the next year and am worried I shall get sick before the vaccines get to my age group. I am not at work but my son, who lives here is working downtown TO. So, he may bring it home. What is coming scares me with all these new variants,
Signed Stressed Daily
Dear Stressed Daily,
Your feelings are perfectly normal because we are in the middle of a pandemic and our instincts are telling us we are not safe. There is so much we can do to stay safe by following all the precautions and making sure your son does too. We don’t have any control over when we will get our vaccines, try to live one day at a time and don’t let your mind go too far into the future. I think the news is really upsetting all of us too because this is global and there is little we can do. Perhaps cutting back on Covid-19 news (except for what you need to know in your area) will help you feel a little better. Keeping busy helps to take your mind off things too, and a lot of people are doing wills and getting their affairs in order and feel better that they are prepared should the worst happen. Take deep breaths and remember to be grateful every day for what you have. The only way over this is through it, think positive, for example we are further ahead with science and vaccines and know more about this than we did when it started. If you are very concerned about the new variants get ready to lock down with supplies and hobbies. If your anxiety prevents you from sleeping or living as normal a life as possible under these conditions discuss it with a Dr. or psychologist, they are there too help you. Remember that this too shall pass, and in a few years, it will just be a memory.
my husband has decided he wants to run an Ironman race this year. I’m happy that he wants to be healthy and fit but training for this race has become an obsession! He spends all of his free time running, biking or swimming. He also spends hours on his computer reading articles about races, recording his training time and chatting with other people who are interested in the race. On top of that, he is spending thousands of dollars on buying fast bicycles and special shoes. He has to travel to do the race and stay overnight in hotels which is expensive. We will be using our holiday time and money to do the race! I am trying to be encouraging because this is a lifelong dream for him but underneath, I’m feeling resentful. What should I do?
I hope due to Covid 19 the race will be able to go ahead as planned. I can understand your frustration since this hobby is taking up so much time and money. It’s only fair that you get the exact same amount of money to spend on whatever you would like, no questions asked, and also to have his attention for things you can do as a couple without discussing the race. Remember that you don’t have to go to the race unless you want to, it’s your choice. Perhaps you could go for a short time just to see the race and not make a whole vacation out of it. If you do go, research what’s in that area that you would like to see or do so that you can take some time for yourself. Then you will have something to look forward to. Think about what you wanted to do when you were a child, if someone asked you what would you like to do when you grew up what was your answer? That is likely what you were born to do, what your destiny is. This will very rarely match up with your spouses. Once you know your dream and you make baby steps towards it, you won’t care as much what other people are doing. Perhaps while your husband is busy training you can make plans to spend time on your own dream, I think all of us have a creative gift that is fulfilling to work on. You will know you are on the right track if you lose time while doing it. Think about a new hobby for yourself or picking up an old hobby to dust off to make yourself happy. Also, consider how much this Ironman Race will mean to you in five years, every part of life is just a stage that will pass, and that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. I personally use the Serenity Prayer inserting names for these situations, and it really helps me:
Grant me to accept the things I cannot change (insert husbands name here)
Courage to change the things I can (insert your name here)
And the wisdom to know the difference.
I also love the wise words of Kahlil Girbran:
let there be spaces in your togetherness,
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of the lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other’s keeping.
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together yet not too near together:
For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other’s shadow.
Above all, be grateful that your husband is healthy enough to take on such a huge challenge, we can’t take our health for granted, especially during a pandemic. If you do get to go, make up your mind to have fun and celebrate, this opportunity may never come again and you might end up having fun.
My girlfriend wants another dog and I don’t. What to do!?
My girlfriend is a huge animal lover, her mom bred small dogs growing up and she has a cat and a small dog. I grew up with one dog but besides that was never really interested in pets, I hate to sound cold but I see pets as a big time/money dump besides having one dog. Of course I fall in love with a girl who’s a huge animal lover and has a friend who Runs a foster care place with a disabled dog in need right now and she keeps pushing me to agree to adopting him. The cons of the situation are, I don’t want another dog, we live in a small apartment with 2 animals already, and we’re really tight on money at the moment, and each of us are in credit card debt. Despite this, she has a big heart and wants to save and love this dog and wants another to keep her dog company while we’re gone. I on the other hand don’t want any more pets to further take up our time/money. Instead I want to get rid of our debt, get a house, then consider a dog, but she doesn’t want to wait so we’re at odds. I feel like a terrible person saying no but I feel we have no choice given our situation. Am I out of line, is she out of line, or is it somewhere in the middle?
Signed No more pets
Dear No more pets,
I don’t think either of you is out of line. Your girlfriend has a big heart and loves animals, and you are not a terrible person for worrying about taking in a disabled dog. I don’t think it would be fair to the dog if you are in a small apartment and already have two animals. In fact, I think it might be very stressful for the disabled dog. This dog might cost a lot of money in vet bills and special food over the years, and if you take it you are taking on a big responsibility to take care of it for the rest of it’s life. It would probably be hard to re home the dog if you can’t afford to keep it in the future. The dog would also pick up on any resentment you have towards it. Would her mom adopt the dog and she can visit it? If you can’t afford it then you can’t afford it, I am with you on this one and you aren’t being mean or a terrible person. You just don’t have the money or the space for another dog. I would compromise by saying when we have a yard then we will get two dogs. Check with your apartment management too and see how many pets are allowed, if its not more then two that will be an easy out for you.
How do you get family that you have had a regular relationship over email to reply to your emails when you ask how they are doing? We have always gone out dinner with about 8 couples for dinner all set up over email. Since the pandemic started 4 out of 8 couples never respond. Questions about how and what they are doing never get returned We are just interested in their well being. Any thoughts?
My thoughts are that during a pandemic no news is good news! First of all, that’s really lovely that you have 8 couples that have had fun and regular dinners and visits pre pandemic. You must really miss that a lot. Some people are more extroverted and communicate more readily and some people are very analytical and just reply when there is something concrete to reply to. Please don’t take it personally as we are in very difficult times and everyone is reacting differently. I am sure it’s not personal as our social lives have been turned upside down, and we have also had more time to think about who is staying in touch and who is not. Don’t let any resentments form about this, it’s just not worth it, life is too short. I am sure if anything was wrong you would have heard about it through the grapevine so assume everyone is coping and when everyone is vaccinated you will have a big dinner party together. In the meantime, you could pick up the phone and call the chattier person of each couple just to say hi and see how they are doing. If they don’t answer just leave a message to give you a call back when it’s good for them and that’s all you can do. I am so grateful we have so many ways of communicating which weren’t available in the last pandemic. Hang in there, hopefully you will all be together again this year.
I have just recently retired. one year ago. I hate that I feel like all I do is cook and clean. Other than supper dishes it is mostly my job. My husband does supper dishes and other things so I can't really complain. Help
Perhaps you are feeling like all that you do is cook and clean because all you are doing is cooking and cleaning! That is very common, especially during Covid 19, I know a lot of people who are in the same boat. It’s a lot of work to plan meals, shop and clean up, Make sure you give yourself credit for that and remind your husband sometimes, so he doesn’t take it for granted, Let him know you cooked three hot meals today or whatever the case may be, so he can thank you and not take it for granted.
Is there anything your husband does that you can trade jobs with for some of the cooking? I know one retired couple who take turns cooking suppers two weeks on and two weeks off. How many times a day do you do dishes? Would it be possible to cut it down to once or twice a day at the most, leaving lunch dishes for your husband to do along with the supper dishes? Perhaps you could ask 'Would you rather clean the bathroom or do the dishes today?' This always works with my kids, they always pick dishes. Is there a way to cut down on the amount of dishes, using a paper towel instead of a plate for a sandwich, reusing the same coffee or tea cup and water glass all day instead of getting a new one for each drink? Are you purchasing your favourite dish soap, pretty rubber gloves and other nice things like new dishcloths and towels and a nice dish rack?
Speaking of dish racks, let them drip dry, Studies have proved that’s the most hygienic way to dry them and it saves you a step. Having nice, pretty things to work with helps! Are you taking extra good care of yourself to get through this massive adjustment of just retiring AND a pandemic on top of that? What have you always wanted to do deep down? What did you want to do when you were a child? Maybe you could learn an instrument or take a baby step towards a dream that’s just for you, and the housework won’t bother you as much if you are feeling more fulfilled. One thing that works for me when I have to do housework I don’t want to do is to put on upbeat music and just get it done quickly, Rasputin by Boney M works for me. Above all, be grateful that you have food to eat that makes the dirty dishes.
© 2021/22 Email.DearDianna.com