Do you re use tea bags?
Never. My mom did and I always hated it and asked if I could have my own tea bag or have it first. A good cup of tea or coffee is a small luxury that we are lucky to enjoy here.
I need advice. So sorry this is long, but please read and tell me what u think. So my mom died when I was 25. Her twin, my aunt is still alive. Her family of 7, lived within 10 feet of my family's house. We were raised together. We were all like brothers and sisters to each other. I had 2 siblings, 1 which died at age 38, And my brother lives across the country. When my sister became ill with kidney failure, my 2 female cousins came to the hospital once over the course of 5 years of being in and out of the hospital. 10 years after she passed, my dad became ill. For 6 months I was in the hospital, with my dad, more than I was at home. Everyday I went to see him or take him to various hospitals and nursing homes. And in 6 months 1 cousin out of 7 saw him at the hospital, and once my aunt and uncle visited at a nursing home (in which they stayed 15 minutes). None of them offered to help, or even asked how he was doing. He died after a long battle.
Now, a year later my aunt found she has lung cancer. So my problem is that I find myself not caring. I have no sympathy. My cousins come over and ask me how she's doing, and they r all so worried. That's all I here them talk about. And since I still live next to her, she asks me to help her instead of her kids, 3 of which lives 10 minutes or less away. I don't feel like I should care. I have no sympathy or compassion for her or my cousins. None of them have ever cared about me or my family through the years. And to add to my bitterness, I have panic attacks and depression which they all knew, but none of them ever believed me. I feel bad, and I don't feel bad. What do u think?
Dear Dianna says...
Oh, you poor thing to have been through so much grief and trauma. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom when you were so young, and I am so sorry you took care of your sister and dad alone. I think you are burned out from caretaking and grief (anyone in your shoes would be!) You feel bad because you are a caring person, you don’t feel bad because your aunt has her own children to take care of her. It’s completely understandable. You are an adult so it’s time to create some firm boundaries. Decide what you can do and are willing to do. Let your cousins know (maybe you could be available every Monday afternoon or maybe you could pick up their groceries while getting yours) whatever it is you decide, stick to it. Don’t answer your phone or read any emails from any of them outside of this time, or whatever boundaries you want to set. In this way you are helping your aunt a reasonable amount. Rise above anything mean or petty anyone says in your family during this time and just ignore it and let it go, no one is themselves while going through this. Because you live next door and may will see them coming and going, be polite and kind but keep going into your house or whatever you are doing and refuse to get drawn into any drama. If you haven’t already, a grief support group (you can ask where to find one from any funeral home) is a wonderful way to heal while helping others, I hope you will consider going so that you will have support and people who believe you when you say you have panic attacks and depression. Keep your boundaries firm and put yourself first, you are not responsible for taking care of your aunt.
I feel like I am anxious all the time due to COVID-19. I am dreading the next year and am worried I shall get sick before the vaccines get to my age group.
I am not at work but my son, who lives here, is working in downtown Toronto. So, he may bring it home. What is coming scares me with all these new variants.
Dear Stressed Daily,
Your feelings are perfectly normal because we are in the middle of a pandemic and our instincts are telling us we are not safe. There is so much we can do to stay safe by following all the precautions and making sure your son does too. We don’t have any control over when we will get our vaccines, try to live one day at a time and don’t let your mind go too far into the future. I think the news is really upsetting all of us too because this is global and there is little we can do. Perhaps cutting back on covid news except what you need to know in your area will help you feel a little better. Keeping busy helps to take your mind off things too, and a lot of people are doing wills and getting their affairs in order and feel better that they are prepared should the worst happen. Take deep breaths and remember to be grateful every day for what you have. The only way over this is through it, think positive, for example we are further ahead with science and vaccines and know more about this than we did when it started. If you are very concerned about the new variants get ready to lock down with supplies and hobbies. If your anxiety prevents you from sleeping or living as normal a life as possible under these conditions discuss it with a Dr. or psychologist, they are there too help you. Remember that this too shall pass, and in a few years, it will just be a memory.
We have been discussing (my husband and I) in a permanent birth control plan. I have been on the pill for the last 20 yrs of our marriage. I am so tired of taking care of the birth control. We planned for 3 kids. Well, we are expecting our bonus baby, I was not careful with my pills, sleep depravation, and raising a teen, preteen and a toddler. I asked my husband to get a vasectomy, which he is refusing because his masculinity will not allow him to "give in". I don't want to get a tubal ligation but might as well get it. These are his words and I quote: "I would get a vasectomy only if I knew I was going to be unfaithful and sleep around", like wth?! I've been giving birth to our children, and I thought I asked for what was fair, for him to give in for once. Am I over exaggerating? Or he's just being unreasonable?
Congratulations on your surprise baby! You are definitely not over exaggerating, and he is being unreasonable. I agree with you his comment was a stupid one, although he was trying to be reassuring in his own way. Wait and see what happens, if you end up needing a C section you can get a tubal ligation at the same time and won’t even notice it. I don’t think he understands how hard it is to be on the pill for so long, and as you get older the risk of stroke increases, tell him after this baby you will not be going on the pill and if you don’t need a C section he needs to get a vasectomy or start using condoms or sleep on the couch. I hope it all goes well with your new baby and that you get a lot of help from the older kids.
I’m a male in my 40s myself with divorced elderly parents who I am exceptionally close to, especially my mother, I’ve always had a close bond with her since being born, she recently turned 70, my mum is in okay health at the moment, but soon gets drained mentally when I’m having bad times with my mental health....my mother lives far from me now in a little bungalow.....I live on my own in an apartment, which I’ve lived in since 2005. I’m just scared of my mother leaving me on my own in this world, she told me earlier on the phone, because of her age, she won't be here much longer, and I have to mature and face that fact.... but it upset and devastated me as I can't imagine life without my beloved mum...she is my main support network in every way. I suffer bad mental health problems, a personality disorder and anxiety problems, I’m doing better now but days still get hard, and that’s when my mum gets drained and upset with me.... what can I do?
I am glad to hear that you are doing better now. Look how well you are doing, living on your own since 2005, that goes to show you will be OK. You need a therapist to talk to, to figure this out in the best way, and to keep busy. Can you work or volunteer somewhere a few times a week? If you do not do well communicating with people, be upfront about that and ask for work that you can do that is not customer service, perhaps you could help at a food bank. Then you will meet people and staying busy will help you stop worrying about the future. There is no point in imagining life without your mum because we never know what will happen in this life and for all you know she may outlive you! What you can do is stop calling her on days that get hard. Part of respecting your elders is NOT to drain or upset them. Part of being an adult is taking care of your own business and problems. It is very hard and upsetting when a parent gets older, and you must face the facts. There is not very much your mom can do for you now that she is 70, and she doesn’t live near you, so keep all of your phone conversations as positive as possible. Ask her about herself and if there is anything she needs or anything you can do for her. Do not call if you are not in the mood or able to do that, write to her instead. Do not say anything that will worry her. When children grow up and become adults, they are supposed to help their parents. Make sure you send her cards for special occasions. Your mom loves you and always will, but she is right, you need to build your own larger support system, which a therapist will help you do. It is time to change your relationship with your mom because she is getting older, and to prepare for your future. You can do it, and hopefully your mom will be around for a long time to come. You will be OK, try to take life one day at a time and stop projecting into the future, you will figure out how to cross that bridge when you come to it.
© 2021/22 Email.DearDianna.com