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Is it rude when a cousin, I know but not super close to, is in town to call and offer to come by and say hi?
We are not super close as our Moms didn't get along when we were kids but we would see each other once or twice a year at our grandmother's. Ever since my Mom died (15 years ago), I have tried to connect more with her family that she often kept me back from as a kid. So, this cousin is in town with her kids at her Mom's house, my aunt, and I told my aunt "mind if I come by and say hi" and she said sure. Was this rude and is it rude this weekend if I text and say, "what is a good time"?
When my mother first died, I tried too hard to reconnect and make up for being distant as a kid. As a result, I was like a stalker (maybe more like a spammer is). My social skills have improved greatly but I walk on eggshells that I may mess up socially. I am ADHD and have anxiety so stunted a little in social skills even though I am 35.
No, it’s not rude at all to ask your Aunt if you can come by to visit, in fact it’s a perfectly normal thing to do. By all means text or phone and ask when is a good time to come and also ask if there is anything you can bring. If they say don’t bring anything, it would be nice to bring a little treat or something fun for the children. If you feel like it, you can privately let them know about your diagnoses, they will understand and that is what family is for. Plan to stay no more than an hour, unless they invite you to do something with them or stay for a meal. Keep things light and civilized, don’t bring up any controversial topics and don’t react if they discuss anything you personally disagree with, have a nice visit and stay in touch. If this goes well and you would like to see your cousin again while she is there, you could invite her and her children to go for a walk or a picnic. If you stay in touch about once a month by calling or sending a card, you won’t mess up socially or overdo it. It sounds to me that you are doing just fine, and social skills can improve with practice.
5 years ago, I was granted sole custody of my 2 children (now 7&8). It says in my court papers that "visitation is at the mother's discretion".
I moved over 700 kms away to better our lives.
The father of the children got to see them last year. I took time off work and travelled back to him for an extended (10 day) visit. He was never alone with the children, but the paternal grandmother was.
I turned in my employment paperwork to take another vacation. This time I'm willing to let him have the kids without me for 6 weeks. Still 700 km away. I'm dropping them off and picking them up again.
I homeschool them and maintain full time (+ overtime) employment. I'm exhausted with the demands of responsibility between homeschool, work and kids.
He and his mother live together, so I feel the children will be safe.
Am I being too generous with letting him have them for 6 weeks without me??
No, you are not being too generous, you need a break, the children need to know who their father and his side of the family are, and you trust his mother. Make plans to talk on the phone often. I don’t think it’s fair that you have to take them the entire way, is it possible to meet halfway or have their father and grandmother bring them home? At the very least, perhaps you could ask them to pay for one of the trips. Let the grandmother know that if the children get very homesick (or her son gets overly stressed) and she thinks they need to come home early to let you know, with the children so young it is a possibility. Write their routines down and ask the adults to stick as close to it as possible. As they get a little older, and start to ask about the separation, only tell them all of you on both sides of the family love them very much, and that it had nothing to do with them. I hope it all goes well and leads to many more happy summer visits and more breaks for you!
It is so hard to know how to deal with people regarding Covid. Do I ask them if they are vaccinated and what kind of vacs or not? Signed confused and cautious.
Dear confused and cautious,
I agree, we are in a confusing time. Do not ask people which vaccine they had; it doesn’t really matter which one. Ask people if they are vaccinated only if it would directly affect you or your family, not to start any debates. If you are sending out an invitation you could put vaccinated people only. There is no harm in continuing to follow the public health guidelines of wearing a mask indoors and when social distancing isn’t possible, washing hands etc. Until the children are vaccinated, I have decided to err on the side of caution, because the virus will mutate until it is gone, and each wave is worse than the last.
Any advice is greatly appreciated! My mom and I have had a really difficult relationship recently. She’s often verbally abusive to me but I feel like I owe her a visit when I'm home for the holidays. Do I?
No, you do not owe her a visit. If you want to see her, make sure it’s in a public place (meet her for ice cream or something that doesn’t take too much time) and take someone else with you, in this way she will hopefully be on her best behavior. Have it pre planned that if she says one abusive thing you will say goodbye and leave. If she asks why you are not spending more time with her tell her the truth, that you are no longer spending time with anyone who is verbally abusive, don’t argue with her about what has happened in the past. You don’t deserve to be treated like that no matter what her problem is.
Do you ever store dangerous liquids in old drinking containers? Ex store bleach in water bottles or gasoline in 2L pop bottles?
I just wanna know if this is normal cause I live with someone who does this?
This is not normal, and it is very unsafe. I learned this in my work WHMIS training. Dangerous liquids should never be stored in old drinking containers. If you want to let the person you live with know, you can look it up online and show them, at the very least label the containers and move them to a high shelf, preferably in a locked cupboard.
I was constantly 'whacked' around the head by local kids when I was young, now im in my late 50s and worry if I may get dementia ?even the school teacher got in on the act once and found it funny to smack a tennis racket over my head, much to the amusement of all the classroom.
memories can be cruel when resurfaced I guess. nope, I can't say I have any fond memories growing up as a kid, we were dirt poor and mother held two jobs to make ends meet and father too.
this meant it was just me and my little brother, who might I add had learning difficulties and was mentally challenged.
what really moves me and angers me is that a grown adult found it in his interest to put his hands on me knowing that I wouldn't have anybody to protect me.
this grown man clearly had a family and was most likely paid a good salary and im sure he is someones proud grandfather now, that is, if hes not dead already.
fast forward to 2021 and I often worry if all that unwarranted uncalled for whacking over the head by teachers and kids could develop into dementia. If it does, who will ever know what caused it ? who will even care ?
the biggest tragedy of it all, why was it all allowed to happen?
You are right, what you went through was a tragedy. I am so sorry you had to go through this, no child should ever have to go through bullying and being hit, it’s very traumatic. I don’t know very much about the causes of dementia, but I have heard it’s hereditary. I do not think it is caused by being hit on the head as a child, because the skull is so hard and there to protect you. I looked it up on the Mayo Clinic webpage and it said Traumatic Brain Injury can cause problems later in life. It said a Traumatic Brain Injury affects a persons life from then on, so you should be OK. I think you should ask your family Dr. the same question to make sure you get the correct medical advice, and I think you will feel a lot better if you do. I also think a few talking sessions with a trained family therapist would help you figure out what to do about the grown adult who put his hands on you. This adult committed a crime and the therapist will know what steps to take, of course none of this was your fault in any way. If you can’t afford to see a therapist call anyway and let the receptionist know, they will work with you to figure something out, many will see you once anyway, charge a little bit on a sliding scale, or refer to someone who you can talk to for free. You were a victim of terrible circumstances, children are supposed to be protected, and your parents were so busy taking care of your brother and putting food on the table that they weren’t’ able to protect you as much as they wanted to. Schools have changed a lot since you were there, and have zero tolerance for bullying of any kind, and teachers are no longer allowed to hit children with tennis rackets or anything else! Please call the Dr. and a family therapist to discuss this, they care, I care, and my readers care, and the Dr. hopefully will put your mind at ease about the dementia.
Did you have a cat while pregnant? I got my sons a kitten. I just found out that I’m pregnant. I am worried about toxoplasmosis. I feel like everything is contaminated.
Yes, I did have a cat when I was pregnant, the risk of toxoplasmosis is very low, do not clean the litter box. If you do have to clean up after the kitten wear rubber gloves and wash your hands after. I don't personally know anyone who has had this, so try not to worry. If you can't shake the feeling that everything is contaminated, mention it to your Dr.
Do you re use tea bags?
Never. My mom did and I always hated it and asked if I could have my own tea bag or have it first. A good cup of tea or coffee is a small luxury that we are lucky to enjoy here.
I need advice. So sorry this is long, but please read and tell me what u think. So my mom died when I was 25. Her twin, my aunt is still alive. Her family of 7, lived within 10 feet of my family's house. We were raised together. We were all like brothers and sisters to each other. I had 2 siblings, 1 which died at age 38, And my brother lives across the country. When my sister became ill with kidney failure, my 2 female cousins came to the hospital once over the course of 5 years of being in and out of the hospital. 10 years after she passed, my dad became ill. For 6 months I was in the hospital, with my dad, more than I was at home. Everyday I went to see him or take him to various hospitals and nursing homes. And in 6 months 1 cousin out of 7 saw him at the hospital, and once my aunt and uncle visited at a nursing home (in which they stayed 15 minutes). None of them offered to help, or even asked how he was doing. He died after a long battle.
Now, a year later my aunt found she has lung cancer. So my problem is that I find myself not caring. I have no sympathy. My cousins come over and ask me how she's doing, and they r all so worried. That's all I here them talk about. And since I still live next to her, she asks me to help her instead of her kids, 3 of which lives 10 minutes or less away. I don't feel like I should care. I have no sympathy or compassion for her or my cousins. None of them have ever cared about me or my family through the years. And to add to my bitterness, I have panic attacks and depression which they all knew, but none of them ever believed me. I feel bad, and I don't feel bad. What do u think?
Dear Dianna says...
Oh, you poor thing to have been through so much grief and trauma. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom when you were so young, and I am so sorry you took care of your sister and dad alone. I think you are burned out from caretaking and grief (anyone in your shoes would be!) You feel bad because you are a caring person, you don’t feel bad because your aunt has her own children to take care of her. It’s completely understandable. You are an adult so it’s time to create some firm boundaries. Decide what you can do and are willing to do. Let your cousins know (maybe you could be available every Monday afternoon or maybe you could pick up their groceries while getting yours) whatever it is you decide, stick to it. Don’t answer your phone or read any emails from any of them outside of this time, or whatever boundaries you want to set. In this way you are helping your aunt a reasonable amount. Rise above anything mean or petty anyone says in your family during this time and just ignore it and let it go, no one is themselves while going through this. Because you live next door and may will see them coming and going, be polite and kind but keep going into your house or whatever you are doing and refuse to get drawn into any drama. If you haven’t already, a grief support group (you can ask where to find one from any funeral home) is a wonderful way to heal while helping others, I hope you will consider going so that you will have support and people who believe you when you say you have panic attacks and depression. Keep your boundaries firm and put yourself first, you are not responsible for taking care of your aunt.
I feel like I am anxious all the time due to COVID-19. I am dreading the next year and am worried I shall get sick before the vaccines get to my age group.
I am not at work but my son, who lives here, is working in downtown Toronto. So, he may bring it home. What is coming scares me with all these new variants.
Dear Stressed Daily,
Your feelings are perfectly normal because we are in the middle of a pandemic and our instincts are telling us we are not safe. There is so much we can do to stay safe by following all the precautions and making sure your son does too. We don’t have any control over when we will get our vaccines, try to live one day at a time and don’t let your mind go too far into the future. I think the news is really upsetting all of us too because this is global and there is little we can do. Perhaps cutting back on covid news except what you need to know in your area will help you feel a little better. Keeping busy helps to take your mind off things too, and a lot of people are doing wills and getting their affairs in order and feel better that they are prepared should the worst happen. Take deep breaths and remember to be grateful every day for what you have. The only way over this is through it, think positive, for example we are further ahead with science and vaccines and know more about this than we did when it started. If you are very concerned about the new variants get ready to lock down with supplies and hobbies. If your anxiety prevents you from sleeping or living as normal a life as possible under these conditions discuss it with a Dr. or psychologist, they are there too help you. Remember that this too shall pass, and in a few years, it will just be a memory.
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