My friend is still depressed over her husband divorcing her it’s been like 8 months. She acts like the man died. Is this normal?
I told her It’s been 8 months; this is getting out of hand you shouldn’t be crying still you act like the man died and she’s posting crying pictures on Facebook and all that. I told her don’t do that take the crying post down you want people in your BUSINESS, and she snapped at me and told me “I don’t care about people being in my BUSINESS leave me alone about that.”
Yes, for some people this is normal, and it’s extremely painful. Any loss will bring up all the old, unresolved losses she has had in her life, and it takes time for them to heal. Would you be able to find a divorce support group and offer to go with her or take her? (Or perhaps during Covid an online group) The poor girl might be reaching out for help with her Facebook posts, but because she is an adult, she can post whatever she wants. You don’t have the right to tell another adult what posts they should take down, so as she said, leave her alone about that. If you find them too stressful to see, go to the three little drop-down dots on the right side of the post and snooze her for 30 days, or hide that post. Remember that love is patient and kind. If her distress (and Facebook posts about her divorce) continue for more than a year, suggest she let her family Dr. know. She is lucky to have a good friend like you.
First, I want to start off by saying I’m homesick and I miss my mom and siblings more than a lot. Right now, I’m currently pregnant and my boyfriend keeps saying it’s not a good idea to visit my family. He keeps coming up with excuses saying my mom will stress me out which can affect our baby, but I know my mom more than him. We both live together, and his family is involved in our lives BUT every time I try to involve my mom or younger siblings he becomes upset as if I ruined the mood. My family lives in the next state which really isn’t far from me. I just don’t know what to do at this moment. I don’t want to upset him for visiting my family but I also I want to see them so bad. Advice please, would you be mad? I'm furious & don't know if I may be over-reacting.?
You are definitely not overreacting. Your boyfriend is being abusive, trying to isolate you from your family is a huge red flag. Make plans to go to your moms as soon as possible and stay there if you can. If your boyfriend is upset, that’s his problem. Tell your parents what he is saying, so they understand the situation and can help you. I am glad you are furious; you should be. I think you need to make plans to live somewhere else and break up with him, because if you don’t, this will escalate. I am glad you wrote to me, and you are not keeping this a secret, tell your girlfriends too. Here is the Canadian Government website on this topic: https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/cj-jp/fv-vf/about-apropos.html
I am very sorry to be the bearer of bad news, if you don’t want to break up while pregnant that is totally understandable, but at the very least please see a counsellor for yourself, it is more stressful to be missing your family so badly than to be with them, please write back and let us know how you are doing.
My wife recently had surgery and had a rough time when she went home from the hospital. I took care of my wife and helped her through the tough time she had as well as trying to keep things as normal as possible for our two young children. I was busy. Apparently, I angered my wife’s control freak of an older sister because I didn’t call her with a daily update. I was supposed to be calling her dad and not her. My wife talked to her dad right after she woke up from the operation to let her know she was fine. I didn’t call her dad because I was busy dealing with everything. I am sorry for that. My wife’s sister thought I was cutting off access to my wife and got pushy my wife and me. She and I got into a verbal battle during her visit to our home because I questioned her respect for us. She snapped and started crying and screaming and told me my being busy was not good enough of an excuse for not calling her. She angrily left our home. I told my wife what happened and apologized to her for all of this. My wife told me this fight was probably going to happen because that her sister talked a whole bunch of trash to her about me and did this in front of her family at a party. Some of her family told her to calm down because I was busy being a husband and a dad. I am really ticked off at my wife’s sister and I don’t care if she is hurt by what happened. But now she is not talking to my wife who is still recovering from surgery because of it. What should I do?
It sounds to me like your sister-in-law has some issues regarding controlling her emotions and boundaries. I am sorry you had to go through a family argument at such a stressful time. Taking care of someone during surgery and recovery is hard enough let alone doing that while taking full time care of two young children. Your sister-in-law was out of line, it sounds like your wife’s illness and surgery really scared her but that is no reason for her to come over to your house and scream at you. That was also the last thing your poor wife or children needed! If your sister-in-law talks trash about you your wife needs to shut her down, when she is feeling up to it of course. There is absolutely no reason for her to stop talking to your wife, your wife didn’t even do anything. I think you should both enjoy the peace and quiet while she isn’t speaking to you, and give it time for her to calm down and for your wife to recover. I am glad some of your in laws are sticking up for you. Stay civil the next time you see her and let bygones be bygones, and when your wife has recovered enough and wants to discuss all of this with her, she can. If you think it will help, apologize to her for your part in the argument and for not calling your father-in-law sooner. You could do this in an email, just to keep the peace for the sake of family harmony. Try to drop any grudges and hurt feelings, she was acting out of fear and was unreasonable.
Is it rude when a cousin, I know but not super close to, is in town to call and offer to come by and say hi?
We are not super close as our Moms didn't get along when we were kids but we would see each other once or twice a year at our grandmother's. Ever since my Mom died (15 years ago), I have tried to connect more with her family that she often kept me back from as a kid. So, this cousin is in town with her kids at her Mom's house, my aunt, and I told my aunt "mind if I come by and say hi" and she said sure. Was this rude and is it rude this weekend if I text and say, "what is a good time"?
When my mother first died, I tried too hard to reconnect and make up for being distant as a kid. As a result, I was like a stalker (maybe more like a spammer is). My social skills have improved greatly but I walk on eggshells that I may mess up socially. I am ADHD and have anxiety so stunted a little in social skills even though I am 35.
No, it’s not rude at all to ask your Aunt if you can come by to visit, in fact it’s a perfectly normal thing to do. By all means text or phone and ask when is a good time to come and also ask if there is anything you can bring. If they say don’t bring anything, it would be nice to bring a little treat or something fun for the children. If you feel like it, you can privately let them know about your diagnoses, they will understand and that is what family is for. Plan to stay no more than an hour, unless they invite you to do something with them or stay for a meal. Keep things light and civilized, don’t bring up any controversial topics and don’t react if they discuss anything you personally disagree with, have a nice visit and stay in touch. If this goes well and you would like to see your cousin again while she is there, you could invite her and her children to go for a walk or a picnic. If you stay in touch about once a month by calling or sending a card, you won’t mess up socially or overdo it. It sounds to me that you are doing just fine, and social skills can improve with practice.
5 years ago, I was granted sole custody of my 2 children (now 7&8). It says in my court papers that "visitation is at the mother's discretion".
I moved over 700 kms away to better our lives.
The father of the children got to see them last year. I took time off work and travelled back to him for an extended (10 day) visit. He was never alone with the children, but the paternal grandmother was.
I turned in my employment paperwork to take another vacation. This time I'm willing to let him have the kids without me for 6 weeks. Still 700 km away. I'm dropping them off and picking them up again.
I homeschool them and maintain full time (+ overtime) employment. I'm exhausted with the demands of responsibility between homeschool, work and kids.
He and his mother live together, so I feel the children will be safe.
Am I being too generous with letting him have them for 6 weeks without me??
No, you are not being too generous, you need a break, the children need to know who their father and his side of the family are, and you trust his mother. Make plans to talk on the phone often. I don’t think it’s fair that you have to take them the entire way, is it possible to meet halfway or have their father and grandmother bring them home? At the very least, perhaps you could ask them to pay for one of the trips. Let the grandmother know that if the children get very homesick (or her son gets overly stressed) and she thinks they need to come home early to let you know, with the children so young it is a possibility. Write their routines down and ask the adults to stick as close to it as possible. As they get a little older, and start to ask about the separation, only tell them all of you on both sides of the family love them very much, and that it had nothing to do with them. I hope it all goes well and leads to many more happy summer visits and more breaks for you!
It is so hard to know how to deal with people regarding Covid. Do I ask them if they are vaccinated and what kind of vacs or not? Signed confused and cautious.
Dear confused and cautious,
I agree, we are in a confusing time. Do not ask people which vaccine they had; it doesn’t really matter which one. Ask people if they are vaccinated only if it would directly affect you or your family, not to start any debates. If you are sending out an invitation you could put vaccinated people only. There is no harm in continuing to follow the public health guidelines of wearing a mask indoors and when social distancing isn’t possible, washing hands etc. Until the children are vaccinated, I have decided to err on the side of caution, because the virus will mutate until it is gone, and each wave is worse than the last.
Any advice is greatly appreciated! My mom and I have had a really difficult relationship recently. She’s often verbally abusive to me but I feel like I owe her a visit when I'm home for the holidays. Do I?
No, you do not owe her a visit. If you want to see her, make sure it’s in a public place (meet her for ice cream or something that doesn’t take too much time) and take someone else with you, in this way she will hopefully be on her best behavior. Have it pre planned that if she says one abusive thing you will say goodbye and leave. If she asks why you are not spending more time with her tell her the truth, that you are no longer spending time with anyone who is verbally abusive, don’t argue with her about what has happened in the past. You don’t deserve to be treated like that no matter what her problem is.
Do you ever store dangerous liquids in old drinking containers? Ex store bleach in water bottles or gasoline in 2L pop bottles?
I just wanna know if this is normal cause I live with someone who does this?
This is not normal, and it is very unsafe. I learned this in my work WHMIS training. Dangerous liquids should never be stored in old drinking containers. If you want to let the person you live with know, you can look it up online and show them, at the very least label the containers and move them to a high shelf, preferably in a locked cupboard.
I was constantly 'whacked' around the head by local kids when I was young, now im in my late 50s and worry if I may get dementia ?even the school teacher got in on the act once and found it funny to smack a tennis racket over my head, much to the amusement of all the classroom.
memories can be cruel when resurfaced I guess. nope, I can't say I have any fond memories growing up as a kid, we were dirt poor and mother held two jobs to make ends meet and father too.
this meant it was just me and my little brother, who might I add had learning difficulties and was mentally challenged.
what really moves me and angers me is that a grown adult found it in his interest to put his hands on me knowing that I wouldn't have anybody to protect me.
this grown man clearly had a family and was most likely paid a good salary and im sure he is someones proud grandfather now, that is, if hes not dead already.
fast forward to 2021 and I often worry if all that unwarranted uncalled for whacking over the head by teachers and kids could develop into dementia. If it does, who will ever know what caused it ? who will even care ?
the biggest tragedy of it all, why was it all allowed to happen?
You are right, what you went through was a tragedy. I am so sorry you had to go through this, no child should ever have to go through bullying and being hit, it’s very traumatic. I don’t know very much about the causes of dementia, but I have heard it’s hereditary. I do not think it is caused by being hit on the head as a child, because the skull is so hard and there to protect you. I looked it up on the Mayo Clinic webpage and it said Traumatic Brain Injury can cause problems later in life. It said a Traumatic Brain Injury affects a persons life from then on, so you should be OK. I think you should ask your family Dr. the same question to make sure you get the correct medical advice, and I think you will feel a lot better if you do. I also think a few talking sessions with a trained family therapist would help you figure out what to do about the grown adult who put his hands on you. This adult committed a crime and the therapist will know what steps to take, of course none of this was your fault in any way. If you can’t afford to see a therapist call anyway and let the receptionist know, they will work with you to figure something out, many will see you once anyway, charge a little bit on a sliding scale, or refer to someone who you can talk to for free. You were a victim of terrible circumstances, children are supposed to be protected, and your parents were so busy taking care of your brother and putting food on the table that they weren’t’ able to protect you as much as they wanted to. Schools have changed a lot since you were there, and have zero tolerance for bullying of any kind, and teachers are no longer allowed to hit children with tennis rackets or anything else! Please call the Dr. and a family therapist to discuss this, they care, I care, and my readers care, and the Dr. hopefully will put your mind at ease about the dementia.
Did you have a cat while pregnant? I got my sons a kitten. I just found out that I’m pregnant. I am worried about toxoplasmosis. I feel like everything is contaminated.
Yes, I did have a cat when I was pregnant, the risk of toxoplasmosis is very low, do not clean the litter box. If you do have to clean up after the kitten wear rubber gloves and wash your hands after. I don't personally know anyone who has had this, so try not to worry. If you can't shake the feeling that everything is contaminated, mention it to your Dr.
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